Conditioned Feelings

It’s a Saturday, I’m working, I’m bored. She asks me if I’m free to meet, she isn’t feeling well. I am quick to agree, I have nothing better on my hands to do. I get ready, I am late as usual.

“Where are you?” She messages. “Look down” I reply.

She looks beautiful, she had spent time getting ready. Her amber hair caught the dying rays of the evening sun. “Shall we?” I ask as she gets into the car. “Yes” is the reply.

“You like me? Really?” she had asked. I said yes, my heart shrinking due to the look on her face, I had not expected this look of disbelief, at least not of this degree.

‘I need time to think’ was her reply. So I waited, the time needed was short though. “I asked my friends” she said “They don’t think you and I are a good fit and I feel that I should listen to them.”

I watch in admiration as she brushes her hair off her face. She plays with her amber locks and she talks to me. I look back, not breaking eye contact, not blinking, just wondering.

“Dude you just gotta see the signs, a girl will let you know if she likes you” he said. “How?” I asked, ever so curious. “She will play with her hair or be fidgety with her hands or something along the lines.” he said. I had acquired more knowledge about the mysterious gender, I was happy.

She walks right beside me, close, too close. It makes my heart race. ‘Hold her hand, hold her hand.’ screams the voice in my head. My feet gather speed, I walk ahead. “Careful” I say to her as I sidestep a pothole.

“So you like her?” she asked. “I don’t know. What makes you say that?” I question her back. “You do. No wonder you were sitting so close to her.” she teases. “I was just showing her how to do the sum.” I replied, consciously. “Don’t lie to me. No one sits to someone so close unlike they like them.” she clears out any thoughts I could’ve had on the matter.

I pull up next to her house’s gate. She looks for the keys in her bag. I switch on the light. She looks at me and says “Thank you.”

She finds the keys but leans back in her seat, almost as if she isn’t ready to go.

“Why did you kiss me?” she asked. “I’m sorry. I thought it was the right moment.” I reply, quite frightened at what I had done. “You can’t do that without asking first, it’s a serious breach of my private space.” I am quite shaken. She storms off. I feel horrible. I never see her again.

“I really had a good time. Thanks a lot. We should do this again very very soon.” she says, a smile playing on her face. She slips to the edge of her seat, puts her feet out of the car door, pauses and turns back “I feel so much better now.” “My pleasure” I say. My mind is confused. ‘Do I tell her not to go? Should I draw her back in? Should i kiss her?’

“Can I kiss you?” I asked as I hugged her goodbye. She looks confused. “Whats the point if you have to ask?” she says. Now I am confused. I lean in. “Leave it” she says and leaves. I feel stupid. I never see her again.

I drive home, thoroughly messed up. ‘Should I have done something?’, ‘It would have been wrong.’, You’re reading too much into it.’ questions and words I say to myself. I stop to buy a pack of cigarettes. I light a stick. Smoke rises. The flame goes out.

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