Often fleeting images keep repeating, bits of memory embedded in them. Nostalgia, as they call it. Remembrance is better suited. The Mind is an enigma of sorts. It has the power to envision vast worlds of imaginary creatures and happiness and yet it can ruin your existence with nightmares.
Depression is like a leech, it wraps itself around all your thoughts and sucks away all the positivity from it. Every living breathing second feels like a burden. You feel trapped in a cage that is eating away at your existence. I have felt it too, I still do.
Imagine being suddenly aware of everything that is wrong around you, everything that can go wrong, you are almost certain it will. The panic sets in, your breathing becomes laboured, your palms get sweaty, nothing seems to make sense anymore.
There was a time when I had these panic attacks a lot, before every major event in life, before a date, during a date, before a shoot, before driving to a meeting, in a meeting. It had come to a stage where it was overtaking my life. Flights were what affected me the most, I used to sit silently experiencing tachycardia days before a flight, I still have serious Aerophobia, but it branched out into a Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
People often asked me, ‘You have everything one can ever want in life, why would you be depressed?’ I seriously had no answer to give them, I still don’t. I feel however that it is the perfect reason, the thing about depression or anxiety is that it just sets in, it doesn’t matter how much you have or how happy you were last Tuesday.
It took a while to come to terms with it. It took longer to explain to my folks about it, they tried their best to understand, to find me the help I needed to make sense of everything. They don’t get it always, I feel, they may even see it as a generation divide. They were taught not to ever talk about it, yet I was always taught to speak out if something was bothering me. It was. It still is.
The most important part of the discussion is how to deal with it, how to make sense of it. I don’t want to take a moral highpoint and give you advice, instead I will tell you what I did.
Talk about it.
I found someone, anyone, who was ready to give me 5 minute of their time. I wanted to share what was going on my head, I wanted to just let it out. I just wanted someone other than me to know. It’s ideal if the one you tell is someone who cares about you deeply but it doesn’t matter, you’d be surprised how kind strangers are.
I stopped myself from the constant bickering in my mind that I was alright, there was nothing wrong. I wasn’t going crazy. I took control of it, as much as I could. Instead of letting it take control of me. I let it inspire me, I used it in my work, I used it as an idea, I used it as a strength.
There is absolutely nothing wrong in seeking help from people who have more knowledge than you or me about what situation either of us is in. We often need help to understand things in our own mind. It helps. Truly it does.
If you need help, if you feel lost, reach out to people. There are many out there willing to talk, to lend you an ear, to just be there, to lend you their existence. These people are often ones who’ve gone through the same and now they want to help you. I reached out to friends, to my brother, they understood, it gave me a semblance of clarity in this vivid madness.
Our mind runs to the idea of suicide when the going gets tough, trust me, I’ve been there. Its been awful. I’ve lost people who were very close to me to it. It doesn’t feel that good to all the people left behind. It feels just as bad as you’re feeling now. If you find yourself thinking about suicide, call a suicide helpline, try to talk to a friend, go hug somebody, do something to take your mind of it. Don’t do it. Its not worth the escape.
To anyone reading this, no matter how alone you feel, no matter what is on your mind, no matter how horrible you feel it is to wake up another day, there is someone around who has gone through the same or is going through the same. They know how much even one word matters to you, they are here for you. I am here for you. Write to me. Call me. Or just drop in a text. Reach out, it matters to me.